Nope, I Ain't Signing Up for That!!
Updated: Dec 2, 2020
Imagine you are running down the football field with the ball in your hand, you've got this!! No one in your peripheral, you can see the goal line!! You are there....then SMASH!!! Out of no where a 300lb guy takes you out!!
That's what it feels like, getting over this break up. I've had break ups before, hell my marriage ended back in 2008 so I am not new to it. But this one seems like it hurts more.
Women leave in their minds first before they ever physically leave. I can look back on relationships and see this has been true for me. I hadn't left this relationship, I in fact, was really working hard and seeing some progress when he chose to end us.
Our relationship was the best relationship and the worst relationship. I connected with him more than anyone else but it was a total shit show at times, often.
I have issues, we all do, I know. My trauma brain really struggled to get past the trust issue. I'd start to feel ok and then that damn keep me safe voice would pipe up and remind me of the choices made. I couldn't see him for the man he is, just for the man he was and that fear would often win.
I have spent a lot of time blaming myself, I can't do that anymore. I have to own what is mine and reframe that he didn't leave me because I wasn't worthy or because I am f 'd up beyond repair, he had to do what was best for him. I can't allow this to dig into my not good enough, abandonment wound any longer.
"They" say half the time you were together is how long it takes to get over a relationship. So let's not count the first year, it was pretty much one big freaking lie. So then 4 years. It is going to take me 2 years to get over this??? To feel better??
In the words of Ducky..."Nope, Nope".* I ain't signing up for that shit. It's been 4 months and I just don't have it in me to feel this bad for 20 more months, screw that!
I know that the onus falls to me to work on those areas I struggle with in a relationship, to be aware of the patterns created by growing up in chaos. I was trying, failing more than succeeding but the needle was moving.
I don't want to be alone, I know that, but I also know that I am not quite ready to move on today. I am working through my stuff.
I will sometimes think that I better just stay away from relationships until I am 100% fixed, then I remind myself that I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone as I am pretty sure I might never be "fixed" per se. I had a therapist tell me once that the only way to know if you are improving is to have relationships...ok, just not today.
I am looking forward to the day when a song, place, memory doesn't land me face down on the 5 yard line wondering what the hell. Each day I seem to spend less time face down.
My heart hurts, I will continue to work on myself, my self awareness and changing patterns I've created. Self-care is top on my list, learning to love me with all my faults and all my greatness!
So if you are going through a break up and you find yourself face down on the 5 yard line, it's ok, sit there for a bit, pick the grass out of your teeth. When you're ready pick yourself up and start again. Love yourself and believe that you've got this because we do!
Peace & Love