As the World opens up
I find myself hesitating in writing this as I know that so many have been impacted at a higher degree than myself by Covid 19. A friend of mine reminded me that it is ok to be disappointed, anxious, depressed, to have my own negative stuff -- it's allowed. So here I go....
It's been rough. I know that I like to control my environment, comes from my need to feel safe which comes from a childhood that wasn't. My significant other and I broke up right before the shelter in place went into effect, a huge knock to my safety, even though I didn't really see him as safe, that's another Blog.
I am an introvert, love my at home alone time so didn't think it would bother me that much. It did/does. I have spent many days over the last over 2 months feeling depressed and unsettled. And even now with things opening back up the posts about the world not returning to a normal we will recognize, well that's unacceptable. I NEED it to. I need to feel safe and ok.
So much of it is the psychology of it all, our perception of our own worlds and what we "think" we need.
For example I went and got my hair cut last Friday. I hadn't had a haircut since November as I am trying to grow it out, anyway, I say this because I wasn't compelled to get a haircut, it was just really wonky. My stylist and I were chatting and she mentioned she was booked solid through June, even added a day to her schedule. She said it was funny because really a majority of the people that called and said they had to get in in a non-Covid world wouldn't have been scheduled yet, they moved their regular appointments up. Being told you can't do something often makes you want it so much more.....I have this issue with chemical filled frosted delicious LoftHouse Sugar Cookies, yum!.
I can't speak for the women making early hair appointments but I can speak to me. I don't like being told I can't do something, even if it is my best interest, which really is silly, during this pandemic it has been for my safety along with others - but I have felt unwound. And it has taken a lot of quiet time, meditation and journaling to find some quiet in my head.
Life is messy, I know this and there is nothing like a world wide pandemic to show you how controlling you are and how much you depend on that control, the perception of it anyway, to feel ok..
My hope is that I have grown during this time, I know I have cried a hell of a lot. And as the world opens up and morphs into a new normal I hope that I too continue on the path to my new normal.
Peace & Love