I was born in Delta, Colorado in July of 1969. My earliest memories of experiencing abuse was when my mom was married to my bio dad. I have a vague memory of him slapping her when I was around 2 or 3, but I truly don’t know if that is accurate. They divorced when I was 3. A memory around dad #2 was coming out into the living room and seeing my mom asleep on the floor with items from the house broken. At the time I didn’t know what happened, mom didn’t explain it to me and as a child it was hard to conceptualize, why was she on the floor, why are things broken...my brain was like what the heck...I now understand that even though I didn’t know what was happening fully these experiences began to reshape my brain and development. As time passed each one was progressively worse, I’ve seen some shit.
I was her savior, a helpless one, a kid. However, when the hits stopped and the dust settled it was me that was there for her, me that got the wash rag, wiped away the blood, she needed me and it fed me, gave me a sense of importance.
Throughout my childhood domestic violence was an unspoken secret, I don’t recall my mom ever overtly telling me to not share what was happening in our house, I just knew. Writing this here and also working to create a program addressing childhood trauma, specifically domestic violence, has been and continues to be difficult, not supposed to be shared.
Vulnerability is a doozy, along with shame. I don’t feel shame around my childhood, to be honest, I feel shame around my adulthood. I am 51 years old and it has only really been the last 2 years that I have really worked to change the patterns that I learned. I have been a mess in my relationships, I’ve mismanaged a lot of my life being stuck in victim and survival mode, addicted to chaos.
Lots of therapy over the years, lots of self-development work and positive affirmations. I have been really frustrated by what I have perceived as slow to no growth, repeating patterns, staying stuck. I would love to tell you that I have arrived, I am fixed, but it wasn’t until I started really looking at the changes caused in my brain during development and the different methods and tools of change that I have seen real growth.
I have vowed to breathe through the cycle of secrecy, to move from growth to contribution while being respectful to my mom.
My trauma brain has driven my bus for far too long. I can’t change that and I work to not beat myself up any longer. I am growing and changing, I am discovering new methods, learning application and getting out of survival mode.
I want to show up in my life! I want to help you show up too!!